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By John M. Bigler This being the month that we celebrate Mother's Day, I decided to take the opportunity to celebrate my own mother, who has been an inspiration to me my whole life. I believe that whatever compassion that I have developed over the years for the plight of the older person has a lot to do with the way I was raised.
I have many memories of my mother sacrificing on my behalf. She absolutely would not touch the Social Security checks that came in my name as the result of my father's death so as to be certain that those checks would be available for my college and law school education. Eventually she remarried, mostly in order to keep our family going.
Now she is 88. She has lived alone in Rosedale for the last 30 years, retaining a life estate in the house of her second husband. She has consistently refused any idea of moving in with my teenage daughter and me, insisting that she would be a nuisance to us, but between the lines I recognize that what she really means is that we would most likely be a nuisance to her.
Two years ago she developed breast cancer, and we made the difficult decision together that she would have surgery. I remember being a nervous wreck at least a week before the surgery. On the day of the surgery we arrived at the hospital at 8 a.m. My brother-in-law had to drive because I was absolutely useless. It seemed like the longest four hours of my life, but at 12 noon they allowed us into the recovery room, where she was sitting upright and dressing herself for the ride home. When we did arrive home, I collapsed exhausted on the couch from my ordeal, and when I woke up she had made me a sandwich.
Last May, Mom fell in her own home the day after Mother's Day and was on the floor for while a before I showed up, once again hysterical. We went to the emergency room, they took x-rays, and nothing was broken. They wanted to keep her for observation, but of course, she refused, and we were back home that same night. I was certain and everyone told me that from that point on she would need 24-hour care and shouldn't be left alone. I brought my housekeeper to stay with her. Between the two of us, we would take turns staying with her, but after two days she threw the both of us out.
This past February 28 she fell again, but was not so lucky. This time she broke her hip. We went to the emergency room and two days later she was operated on. When I went to see her in the recovery room with my daughter, she cursed me up and down and blamed me for her situation. That was a shock to my system because that was a complete turn in her personality from the woman who always told me that I was the greatest son in the world. The doctor came over and told me that she would never remember what she had said and that I would never forget it. I am sure that he is right.
She went to Parker Jewish Geriatric for rehabilitation after 10 days in the hospital, and I did not think that she would mentally ever rebound. At one point I even had the opportunity to make a presentation at Parker on the same floor that my mother was. I speak before various groups on the average of at least once a week, but this time, having my mom sitting there in the audience, I was quite nervous. Eventually, thanks to the good work at Parker, her personality returned, and after about five weeks at the facility she was sent home. She's been home for the past two weeks now, and this time she accepts having the aide there around the clock, although she is not thrilled by it. She is confused, incontinent and only able to walk a few steps with the walker. But she is tough and she is my inspiration, and it wouldn't surprise me if one day within the near future she was back to her "old self".
Being the eternal optimist, I have looked for a silver lining. One thing that struck me throughout this whole ordeal was how poorly prepared I, the elder law attorney for 25 years was - almost helpless. I was speaking to doctors, nurses, social workers and discharge planners on a daily basis, talking about the things that I've been talking about with my clients for years. I always felt that part of the reason that I was a good elder law attorney was my ability to be sympathetic and relate to the clients and their family situations. Through this, I never really understood what people were going through until now. I would like to think that it will make me a better advocate for my clients and their families. I know if you ask my mother, she will tell you that I am the best elder law attorney she knows.
Reprinted with permission of the Suffolk Times © 2005 [ Contact Us ] [ Guestbook ] [ Email ]  The Law Offices of John M. Bigler, Attorney At Law 1421 Wantagh Avenue, Wantagh, New York 11793-2206 1-888-ELDER-LAW · 516-409-6565 · Fax: 516-409-6522 E-Mail: info@biglerlaw.com · Web Site: www.biglerlaw.com |
My mom has always been a very tough and independent woman. I remember being 5 years old when my father was first admitted to the Brooklyn VA Hospital, where he stayed for the next three years, undergoing numerous surgeries before eventually succumbing to a brain tumor. During that time, my mom learned how to drive just so she could travel every day from Valley Stream to the hospital to be with him. Later on she got a job in a department store, and I remember in 1963 at the age of 12 when she borrowed $100 from the department store so that she would be able to take my sister and me on a weekend bus trip to Gettysburg. I was a big Civil War fan and it was the 100-year anniversary of the battle, and also my birthday.